Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.