Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?

🤣🤣🤣

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

I needed this laugh 😂😂😂

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.