I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
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Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
What happened to the other hiker??!
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Worth the read.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
We need to put an American base on the sun
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
