I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
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A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I like long walks away from everyone
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash