@Lisabug74

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

You Might Also Like

@smerobin

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

@DrunksWithGuns

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

@KylePlantEmoji

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

@abbycohenwl

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

@Dawn_M_

He said I reminded him of the girl from The Ring.
We laughed and laughed, and then I put an axe in his back and ate his soul.

@Rollinintheseat

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

@Poutymcgee

“You go girl!! Your dance moves are on point! Why not get up on stage for some karaoke too! You’re an amazing singer!”

– Vodka

@sixfootcandy

Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

@Reverend_Scott

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.