My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
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If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
He said I reminded him of the girl from The Ring.
We laughed and laughed, and then I put an axe in his back and ate his soul.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
“You go girl!! Your dance moves are on point! Why not get up on stage for some karaoke too! You’re an amazing singer!”
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.