Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
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INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real cat person.
ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
2yo: daddy play with me!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
I love Americans. You guys have the best serial killers.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
8yo: No, just say nothing
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
HR: And what would you say is a weakness of yours?
Me: Lindt truffles.
Me: Dr. Pepper.
HR: Get out.