I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
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Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.