I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
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OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
wtf
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.