Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same

The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

Her: She’s too young for you.

Me: Based on what?

Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..

Me:

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

“You’ve got something in your teeth”

Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch

it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.