I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
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*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I love wikipedia
You sure about that?
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I’ve had worse
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆