Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

“Do you have vegan options?”

“I’m a black belt in tofu!”

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome