I wasn’t dancing. I was trying to connect to the wifi.

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Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.


-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.


TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade


I just saw an old guy pick a rubber glove out of a garbage can and put it on, and I think he might be missing the point of rubber gloves.


Coworker: I could care less!

Me: How much less could you care?

Coworker: I don’t get it.

Me: I noticed.


You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back.

Are you raising an army for Mordor?


There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.


ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant


*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*