I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
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*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
accurate
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.