I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
You Might Also Like
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine