I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
You Might Also Like
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
that lip filler tho
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.