Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.

can I use a minion as a tampon

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

Same time tomorrow?

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.