Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal