I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
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[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums