I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
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Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird