Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

the duality of man

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five