I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
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Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.