I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
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if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters