I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
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Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Me My dog
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.