(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
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Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.