Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.

Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars

Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast

Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.

Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party

They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!