I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
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me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.