i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
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*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I remember when the only divisive issue in America was whether you were team werewolf guy or team vampire guy. The rhetoric got pretty heated.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Me trying to look natural in photos
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice