Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

We decided to have money instead of children.

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

[INFOMERCIAL]

“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”

Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever

LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?

WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes

LAWYER:

WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy

LAWYER: …I have concerns

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…