Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”

Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer