I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
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Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks