I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
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I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Dance like like you’re not aware of the numerous cameras watching your every move.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
twitter users today:
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?