I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
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boat question
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
#SuperBowl
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind