Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!

Onion rings.

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.