I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
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Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.