Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Proctologist = Analyst

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

cop: where were u between 7 and 8

me: third grade? idk

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?