Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?

– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.

When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.

Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.