I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
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In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k