I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
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Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.