Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”

Life: “That’ll be $200.”

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok

journal

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”