Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
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I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Smile Twitter, Smile.
2 years later
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
🙋♀️
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.