God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
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I don’t get why some girls don’t make airplane noises before putting their tampons in
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
“A Vegan…like Mr. Spock?”
“No mom…that’s a Vulcan.”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit