@thesarahthing

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

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@Laser_Cat

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

@SadieSmithRoks

Next time my cat has some friends over, I’m going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.

@squirrel74wkgn

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

@aka_fatman

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

@junejuly12

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

@EyeSeeYou619

[keeps slapping empty glass ketchup bottle until the entire cafe is silent]

@JohnLyonTweets

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

@Ideal_Victoria

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

@JulieSnark

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”