@thesarahthing

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

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@CandyEmpires

If you honk at me at a light, I turn off my engine, get out and blow up my car. I think it’s important to demonstrate what true commitment to road rage looks like.

@nPhelendriqal

“I’ll have what she’s having.”
” Sir, this is a gynecolo-”
“Shhhh.. *puts finger over Dr’s lips* I said I’ll have what she’s having.”

@DammitErin

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

@amydillon

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

@KentWGraham

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

@jazz_inmypants

[high school reunion]

girl i had a major crush on: so what have you been up to?

me: oh you know just the usual astronaut stuff

girl: oh i–

me: hang on i need to take this *holding phone upside down* hi nasa. yes yes the moon. and planets, yes. not pluto tho haha. k luv u bye

@jctwritesstuff

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

@SuitableHolmes

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

@weismanjake

When someone tells me to have a safe flight it’s like ok I will do my best but just so you know I am not the pilot of the airplane

@jergarl

I’m ONLY remembering to drink fluids because you told me to. NOT because fluids are literally the only thing you CAN drink, KAREN.