@thesarahthing

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

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@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

@skillsmcgill

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

@Sean_Burgundy_

I don’t get why some girls don’t make airplane noises before putting their tampons in

@anerdonfire2

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

@avainwordland

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

@ParentNormal

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

@MCaparco

“A Vegan…like Mr. Spock?”

“No mom…that’s a Vulcan.”

@Reverend_Scott

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

@aotakeo

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit