“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

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“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel


Next time my cat has some friends over, I’m going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.


In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.


“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”



*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”


With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.


[keeps slapping empty glass ketchup bottle until the entire cafe is silent]


Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.


A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.


Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.


[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”