If you honk at me at a light, I turn off my engine, get out and blow up my car. I think it’s important to demonstrate what true commitment to road rage looks like.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
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“I’ll have what she’s having.”
” Sir, this is a gynecolo-”
“Shhhh.. *puts finger over Dr’s lips* I said I’ll have what she’s having.”
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[high school reunion]
girl i had a major crush on: so what have you been up to?
me: oh you know just the usual astronaut stuff
girl: oh i–
me: hang on i need to take this *holding phone upside down* hi nasa. yes yes the moon. and planets, yes. not pluto tho haha. k luv u bye
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
When someone tells me to have a safe flight it’s like ok I will do my best but just so you know I am not the pilot of the airplane
I’m ONLY remembering to drink fluids because you told me to. NOT because fluids are literally the only thing you CAN drink, KAREN.