I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
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Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?