I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
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Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
get you a girl who
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
m’lady
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think