I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
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If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
🙂🙃🥹
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad