I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
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Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
A small tragedy.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog