I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
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My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
