I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
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My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done