Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute

ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse

FRIEND: “Eat” a horse

ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse

HORSE: [gives me a taco]

My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.