I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
You Might Also Like
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?