I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
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rest in peas
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
me irl
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.