I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
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my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Watson was Holmes schooled
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?