I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
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My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them