i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
You Might Also Like
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Does your wife know you’re single?
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?