Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

[at my funeral]

boss : you’re LATE

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

Okay

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up

Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free

[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]

KID: I’m hungry

DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.