Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!

AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time

There’s a disturbance in the coffee.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.