Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day as IT guy]

CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?

ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

The Most Popular Apps:

*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches

*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time

*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app

*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars

*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.

All I want for Christmas is my gross pay