I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
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the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
catch me on valentine’s day like
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board