I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
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All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood