I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
You Might Also Like
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
August 8
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Okay me first
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…