Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok, let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!

Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]

Neo:

Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning

Me: Haha, I saw that

Her: What?

Me: What?

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!