Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Which knight can find anything?

Sir Chengine.

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’

Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

saw that musical. didn’t care for it.

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.

International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*

Me: Yep. That’s the one.

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

you stereotypes are all alike

Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.

He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.

Now, he’s worth $190 billion.

The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.