Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

Car salesmen: Good evening

Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND

Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.

Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.