Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This woman posted her giant baby on TikTok and the Detroit Lions commented “dibs” I can’t believe we’re about to lose this app.

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

A recipe for laughter

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes

the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally