I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
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I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”