Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

I wish I could veto my bills.

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg

Hitman: This is a photo of you

Me: My wife wants me to try zumba

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail

me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35

him: on what?

me: more books

him: if you’re going to read them

me: …that’s not the point

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.