I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
You Might Also Like
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?