Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

I’m not stressed

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.

Well, that didn’t work.