I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
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Your soulmate is too smart to date you
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
