Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.

On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’

On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

[CAVE]

BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!

DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.