I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
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Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?